Patience is not my strongest attribute. June 29th can’t come soon enough! I have not written in a while because I am not proud of how I have been feeling lately. However, I feel like I had to write this post if I was going to try to give an honest portrayal of this journey. I want so badly to help my husband and am so anxious to find out if I am a match to donate a kidney to him. Last month Steve was in and out of the hospital a lot and it has been wearing on me that I could potentially help him but I have to wait. My faith has not been the strongest; if I am completely honest, I have been incredibly angry at God. The book of Job has been weighing heavily on my heart – how could God be so cruel to Job? How could God be so cruel to my husband and I? I feel like He is allowing the devil to hurt us and I am weary of it all. I try to continue to praise Him through the storm but I feel beat up and like God is no longer my good shepherd trying to protect me and guide me along quiet waters. That is the raw, honest, ugly truth.
Steve and I had not been to church in a while but Sunday I felt like going. The real reason I went? I went because I feel like God has not been near and I wanted to tell him how angry I was for not listening to me or answering. That may sound silly…I went to church to tell God I was mad at him, but that is the truth. Regardless of my intentions, it got me to church and I feel like God was trying to tell me that He is not being silent – I am just not listening, am not hearing what I want to hear, and He is not doing things in my timing. There was a guest speaker at church and he preached on Paul. One of the books Paul wrote was Philippians which is a Prison Epistle (a letter Paul wrote from prison). Needless to say, Paul’s situation was not great, however he still had a thankful heart. Ugh….conviction! The speaker talked about how Paul had joy and was rejoicing even while he was in prison. Happiness is based on circumstances but joy comes from a personal relationship with Jesus. I have not had a lot of happiness or joy recently. I have not been drawing near to God in this difficult time because l felt like God abandoned me.
The next 17 days while I wait to go to the transplant center I will do my best to rest in God’s promises that His plans are not to harm me even when I do not feel that way. I will share my weaknesses and my struggle because other people may be encouraged that they are not the only ones feeling anger toward God. Maybe me being honest about my struggles will help someone in some way. God’s grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Cor 12:9-11). Isn’t that comforting? God can still use us in our brokenness. I do not think God is offended by our anger but He does not want it to keep us from Him. He wants us to passionately (read: angrily) bringing our petitions to Him if that is how we feel. He is merciful and can handle our temper tantrums. I recognize that I need to work on having a more thankful heart. Paul first thanked God and then brought his requests to Him. God has taken a lot away from me but He also gives. Every good and perfect gift is from above (James 1:17) and I have taken a lot of gifts He has given me for granted.
I am thankful for my health, for my incredible husband, for the opportunity to help my husband live a healthier life, for my beautiful foster children God has entrusted to me for the time being, for my family and friends that have put up with my less than joyful self, and for a God that is good even when I lose faith. One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Cor 12:9-11 because it means God can use me, even with all of my imperfections – His power is made perfect in weakness. What a relief that God can still use me and all my flaws. I choose, going forward, to do my best to delight in these difficulties because I know God’s power is being made perfect, even when I cannot see it.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11New International Version (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.